I forewarn all readers that this is a graphic post…but you should read it anyway.
So for my new job, I have to get a medical checkup. Standard, right? Weight, height, blood pressure, so and so forth. Oh no, my dear friends. Why would those matter when they can stick a metal pole up your butt instead?
So first of all, I needed some information. Where is this clinic? Is it far? What do I need for it? Passport? Do I pay for it? How much? Will it hurt?
I asked literally 7 different people for information about it, and I had a vague understanding of where to go and what I needed for it. They all just pointed and said it was close by. Boy, was I in for a treat.
So I was completely by myself, and nothing, zero, zip was in English. I understand that this is Russia and they speak Russian, BUT medical references are challenging in any language. I was already nervous and scared to be there, but it only got worse. You absolutely HAVE to take off your coat, and cannot carry it around. Then you wait in line, then you wait in another line in order to pay for the thing that you were standing in the first line for. THEN they send you to a series of rooms.
First room. I walk in, and the lady said “take off your pants.” I speak a limited amount of Russian, but I DEFINITELY heard that. Then I said, I’m sorry, I don’t speak Russian very well.” But she said the same thing, “take off your pants” and did the take off your pants and underwear motion. I was too confused and alarmed, but then I saw the chair with the stirrups and thought, “oh…here we go.” They didn’t really have a barrier so I changed right in front of two Russian women I didn’t know. Awesome. So I am sitting pants-less in an aged (why is it yellow?) chair as she sticks something up my business. WHOA. Not only does that happen but THEN she sticks a metal pole up my butt. UP. IT. You think it ends there, but why would it? She puts something that feels like scotch tape on my butt to test…what? What does scotch tape test? YEAH I DON’T KNOW EITHER.
Anyway, the next room I go in was normal, and she said, “oh you don’t understand everything do you?” I shook my head, but she was nice and said I spoke Russian well. But the next room made me want to cry, even more than the pole up my butt room. The lady already gave off an intimidating vibe, and I was very, very scared of her. She thought I was deaf. Literally, she checked my documents to make sure I could hear properly. She moved my body for me because she was so impatient. She aggressively stuck a long q tip up my nostrils and yelled at me to “MAKE A FIST! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A FIST?” That was an unpleasant experience. I was thinking welp, we won’t be friends.
You think I am done? Oh no, oh no. So after that, I have to go to what sounds like the “fluography room.” Ooooh, sounds magical. It turns out to be a tuberculosis xray! I have to take off my shirt and my bra in order to have an x ray of my chest. I am standing in front of this lady, completely topless without any barrier of privacy whatsoever. Russians sure don’t know about privacy do they? At this point, nothing is surprising to me. If she had said, “sorry, but we have to remove your toenail to test for ebola,” I probably would have agreed.
I have grown as a person today. I have had a Russian stick a pole in more than one place and I have also been accused of being deaf. I have been through the Russian medical system ALONE, and I think I am a stronger person because of it. I have a new appreciation for privacy, and I know that I will never EVER go to a Russian hospital even if I am dying. I would rather have my own Emergency Responder self sew up my wound with my own hair than go to a Russian clinic. And that’s the truth.
Keep it real.